When I very first set out to write my first novel, I’ll be there first to admit that I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t know what story structure was and why I should even care about it.

All I knew was that I had words on my mind that wouldn’t go away until I had written them down. So I did.

As I went along, I noticed that many of the people surrounding my main character and the situations she found herself in resonated with me a little too deeply.

You see, there were situations I had growing up that lurked in the back of my memory. And they were working their uncomfortable way forward.

As I continued to write my story, my main characters experienced some of those traumatic moments I thought I’d buried.

One such situation happened when I was seventeen, when I took a friend out for his birthday. I can’t even remember what we did now, but it was probably dinner and then a game of pool at the bowling alley. Everything was going great until after I dropped him off back home. When I got a couple miles down the road, he came flying by me in his pickup truck and blocked the lanes. I was worried that something serious had happened, and got out of my car as he jumped out and came running over to me.

Imagine my shock and disgust when he pushed me up against the car and began trying to kiss me, pressing too close, touching me. I didn’t know what to do, so I just froze. When he finally backed up and left, I got into my car, sobbing.

I felt violated and gross. And I never went near him afterwards if I could help it for fear of being attacked again.

But as a teenager, I didn’t know what sexual assault was, nor that I had just been a victim. Yet as I wrote the early drafts of The Earthspark, that situation worked its way into the narrative. I felt all those feelings again, but now, as an adult, I could finally name what happened to me. And now, I could finally tell people what happened.

By writing this situation from a fictional standpoint, I found I could finally work through all those emotions and fears. I found that when I saw him again, I could look him straight in the eye and know that I don’t have to carry around that secret burden anymore.

More than that, I found I could forgive him. Don’t get me wrong, I never spent another minute with this young man after that episode. However, after processing what happened to me, I realized I didn’t need to carry around those feelings of anger, fear, and violation. I could let them go. And I attribute that to allowing myself to write.

Today, this experience in The Earthspark looks quite different from the original, but all the emotions and fears are still the underlying feeling to that scene.

Writing isn’t for everyone. I get that. But if you’re struggling with some unresolved issues, don’t rule out buying a cheap journal. Just getting those thoughts and emotions off your heart, even if it means that you burn it afterward, can do a lot for you. Writing, like it did for me, can help you finally let go of things that are holding you back.

Best of luck my friend

*** Please note, I am not a therapist, or anything close to it. Writing has just been my way to deal with issues and trauma in my past. If you have serious issues or you’re being abused, please reach out to a trusted friend or family for help.

To see the progression of my situation into Nienna’s version read below. Please note, this is copyrighted material. It may not be used in anyway without the author’s permission.

Original idea (For the life of my I can’t find this version, but here is the core concept):

Aspen and Nienna are at the summer solstice party in Alturis. Aspen gets Nienna to follow him away from the party. He pressures her to get rid of Teague (this concept of Teague later became Tellen). When she refuses, he pushes her up against the wall in his anger. He is close enough to kiss, but is so far into his rage that he hurts her instead.

Teague, following Nienna’s scent, finds them, and throws Aspen back.

Original scene as it was sent to my editor (my poor editor. She didn’t realize just how little I knew about writing):

Tellen stared out the window. “He has a darkness about him that’s grown stronger in the past week. I don’t know what he’s gotten himself into, but you need to be careful. Creatures of darkness are attacked to light and yours is gaining in strength like a forest fire.”

Just then Nienna felt it. A dark presence standing in her doorway. Aspen stood there with his sword drawn in his left hand, and his eyes were targeted on Tellen. Murder glared in his face.

Nienna turned back to Tellen who did not seem surprised to see her guard. He’d done that on purpose! He must have known Aspen was listening at the door. 

“Are you done incriminating me?” Aspen said in a low voice. He flexed his right hand. Nienna had noticed him do that several times over the past day. The darkness seemed most black around his clenched fist.

Tellen rose slowly from the bed. “I’ve don’t nothing but speak truth. Your actions have done the incriminating.”

“Aspen,” Nienna started. She threw the covers back and placed her bare feet on the cool wood floor. A wave of dizziness hit her in the face. It took all her concentration to listen to Aspen’s next words.

“I know he’s taken care of you and all, but we don’t know what he wants. And why would he give you all those weapons? The gems alone would cost a fortune. What if all this has merely a ruse to gain our trust?”

Nienna took a deep breath to clear her head before she stood. “I trust him, Aspen. Tellen is one of the four Guardians. They are not what the stories tell us.”

The guard narrowed his eyes. “What has he done to earn such a trust?” he asked in a voice that grated on Nienna..

She racked her brain to find a suitable answer. She thought about her fireside conversations with Tellen. How he’d lost himself to misery when his home was attacked and people he loved murdered. The visions in the fortress and the dream connection with Tellen.

He’d nearly slit her throat when he caught her in the armory, true. But he’d also saved her from the grimmole and the harpies. He’d freed this land from the rock monster’s curse. He had a definite goodness. She could almost see it. He was trustworthy and she knew it. But how could she explain that to Aspen who looked like a black vortex.

“He’s been honest with me about everything.” Her voice was beginning to rise.

Aspen looked at her skeptically.

Does he know who you really are?”  

“Yes, he does.” 

Aspen brought his sword up in front of him. The tip pointed straight at Tellen’s chest.

“Do you plan to listen to this skin changer over one of your trusted friends? I saw him change from the dog in front of your fire to a man. And I’ll bet he can do much worse. Skin changers are evil, Nienna. Come with me and I’ll keep you safe.” 

That tingle down her spin warned her not to go to Aspen. He wasn’t himself. And he would do anything but keep her safe right now.

Tellen watched her warily, trying to gauge what she would do.

“I cannot go with you Aspen. You’re not yourself right now.”

“Ha!” He barked a laugh. “I am more myself right now than I’ve ever been. I’m the only one who sees this situation for what it is. We can a classic case of the cuckoo bird where the egg is snuck in and once hatched, everyone here thinks this man belongs here when in reality he’s going to destroy us all. The Guardians were evil, Nienna. They destroyed this land. They brought cities down, and they ruined the great Comstock empire. His kind should never be allowed to roam free again.”

Aspen lunged at Tellen with deadly accuracy, but the Guardian was quicker. He dodged aside and  brought a knifed hand down hard on Aspen’s forearm, forcing him to drop the sword. 

“Stop it!” Nienna yelled. Aspen turned his burning eye to her and dropped her with a kick to the stomach. 

Tellen caught hold of one of Aspen’s arms and threw him facedown on the floor. 

“Are you all right?” Tellen asked. He gave her a cursory glance before smashing Aspen’s face further into the floor.

“I-I’m fine,” Nienna said. He’d struck her. On purpose. 

Aspen writhed like a snake beneath Tellen’s grasp, but he wouldn’t be going anywhere Tellen didn’t want him to go.

“What’s going on?” Orion asked, bursting through the open door. 

He stopped when he saw Aspen face down and Tellen with a knee in his back. Nienna picked up the fallen sword and stood, bringing it to Orion. The lieutenant stood with his mouth open as he stared at the sword in his hands and down to Aspen, who was spitting curses at Tellen.

“He attacked you?” Orion said, stricken.

“He attacked Tellen first, but then he kicked me.” Her hands were shaking now. She wrapped her arms around her middle to hide them.

Orion’s face drained of emotion. He indicated Tellen should let Aspen up.

“You try anything and I will throw you out the window,” Tellen said quietly to Aspen.

And now for the version that actually made it into print:

Sleep weighed heavily on her as the illusive constellation of the Queen of the Night turned in the sky. Glimmering white dots could be seen in the forest around her apartment. She’d learned in one of her classes that the white flowers bearing the name of the constellation only bloomed when the cosmic anomaly appeared, producing their own luminance. The intoxicating smell of the blooms infused the night air, and Nienna relaxed into her cushions. Yes, she would miss this.

 Suddenly, the sound of a boot on the bricks made her sit up. A dark cloud with a darker person in its middle of it climbed over the roof’s ledge. Nienna scrambled to her feet, tripping on the hem of her dress. She got the fabric out of the way and raced to her access door before the intruder got close.

“Good evening, professor,” came Aspen’s bitter voice.

She whirled to face him. Every part of her froze. Aspen’s broad figure emerged from the shadows. His blue eyes burned like ice while his wiry hair stood on end. A twig and a couple of leaves clung to it.

“I thought I sent you away,” she said. Her hands frantically tried to find the door handle behind her.

“You did, but I’ve returned. We have unfinished business, you see.” Darkness hung off him in grasping tendrils.

“Why are you here, Aspen?” she demanded. Her staff was in her office, along with the knives. If only she could get down there.

“I came for you,” he said, taking a step toward her. “Someone is dying to meet you. We have a better purpose for you than teaching.” Aspen’s words dripped with scorn. “I never understood why you chose this when you had everything you could ever want back in Solomon.”

“What is this better purpose?” Nienna asked. Where was that wretched door handle? Alarm coursed through her veins. The usual trickle of fear down her back was a river.

“You have more to offer than knowledge. I never noticed before, but you glow. I’ve been watching you all day, hanging on the arm of that flea-bitten mutt.” Aspen sneered at her. “Then something changed tonight. Your light morphed from a torch to a bonfire. Then you came up here, and I knew exactly how to find you. I told you this rooftop was dangerous.” 

Nienna’s legs were locking up. She had to keep moving, or Aspen would catch her. He spread his arms wide like he was casting a net. A net that would inescapably bind her if she couldn’t get off this roof.

“Will you come with me without making a fuss, or will I have to drag you out of here?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” she said defiantly.

“Then I will make you.”

He rushed her like a bear. She got the door open and rushed inside, locking it behind her. She tripped on the hem of her dress and almost tumbled down the metal stairs, but kept her footing long enough to get to the bottom. 

The door imploded as Aspen kicked it in. She hit the bottom step and darted toward her desk. 

“No, you don’t,” he said as he sailed over the banister and onto the wooden floor just as Nienna’s hand closed around the hilt of her dagger. 

He threw her into the wall, pinning her against it. Nienna freed the hand with the weapon and slashed down on Aspen’s thigh, causing him to howl in pain. He tried to rush at her again, but she dodged him, slashing at his opposite bicep.

“You’ll pay for that.” His powerful arms caught her around the middle and slammed her head to the wooden floor. Stars swam before her eyes. Aspen shook the knife from her hand, but she maneuvered a knee between his legs and rolled out from underneath him.

She blinked past the spot in her vision enough to grab her dagger and, this time, bolt for the door to the hallway.

“I’m not done with you yet,” he snarled, catching her foot. 

She met the floor again with a resounding crash.

“Help!” Nienna shouted, hoping someone would hear. “Help me!” 

Aspen forced the knife from her grip and clamped a hand on her throat to stop her from shouting. She twisted to free her hand and hit Aspen as hard as she could on the nose. It worked. He released her, cursing as blood poured from his nostrils.

She gasped for air. Pounding came from outside the office door.

“Nienna! What’s going on in there? Nienna, answer me!” Teague called.

She tried to call back, but her voice refused to work. Fumbling over her dress, she tried to get to the office door, but Aspen grabbed her by the hair and hauled her back up the stairs.

“Help!” she cried again, her voice haggard.

“Silence,” Aspen said, and kicked her hard in the back. That was the last time he touched her.

The office door exploded in a shower of splinters, and Teague bounded in with a roar. Orion followed him. Teague made straight for Aspen, ripping him down off the stairs and pinning him on the floor. Orion helped Nienna up, keeping an arm around her waist. Her once beautiful dress was torn and covered with Aspen’s blood. One of her eyes was swelling shut.

Orion’s jaw was tight as he glared at Aspen, lying flat on the floor, his arms wrenched behind his back. Liam burst through the door a minute later, holding his side with two peacekeepers on his heels.

“Perrill,” Liam swore as he caught sight of the prone man. “What are you doing here?”

“Ensuring his dishonor in every fashion,” spat Nienna, touching her split lip.

Teague turned to Liam and the officers. “Get this scum out of here before I kill him myself.” 

Nienna didn’t doubt he’d do it. The peacekeepers hauled Aspen to his feet. He winced as fresh blood poured from the places she’d slashed him. A crowd was forming outside her door.

“Milady,” the head Peacekeeper, called. “I’m so sorry. He must have slipped through between patrols. This will not happen again.” 

Turning to his companions, he said, “Bind him and let’s get this sack of filth to the Bricks.” 

The other guard placed heavy metal manacles on Aspen’s wrists as directed. Then they frog-marched him out of the room and through the sea of onlookers.

“I’m going to make sure he gets there,” Liam said. He was shaking. From anger or adrenaline, she couldn’t tell.

“I’ll make sure Liam doesn’t end up in the Bricks himself,” Orion said, a dangerous gleam in his eye. “Master Demetrius, can I trust you to keep her safe?”

“On my long life. We’ll remain here until you two get back.”

Orion nodded his thanks and left, commanding the gathered crowd to clear off.

Teague closed the door as best he could with its now broken hinges. “That boot-licking bottom-dweller must have waited all day to catch you. I knew I should have tracked him down.” He moved about the room, gathering fallen weapons and books. 

Nienna hadn’t moved. She stared at her broken door, numb with shock. 

Teague picked up the knife still on the floor. “I’m glad to see you cut him. I only wish you’d have done more. Are you OK?” he asked without turning around.

“I’m not seriously hurt,” she said mutely. 

She pulled the sleeve of her dress back over her shoulder. The sight of Aspen’s blood on her skin was making her sick.

“Did he say what he wanted?”

“He said someone was dying to meet me. That I burned so brightly,” she said. “Teague…” Tears were falling like rain down her cheeks as she turned around to face the wreckage of her office. Tellen’s second in command finally looked at her, and his face softened. “Why would he do that?”

Teague walked over to her and gently took her by the shoulders. “The man who attacked you tonight has lost himself to darkness. And he knew where to find you. I’m glad we’re leaving tomorrow. If you stay much longer, more attacks will surely follow. Tellen accepted you into his pack tonight, making things even more dangerous until you know how to defend yourself. And he makes you a shield ring.”

But how could Aspen do this to me? He was my friend.

As if reading her thoughts, Teague said, “Your friend is gone, Nienna, and he’s not coming back.”